Doubts and Fears

I have been very blessed to be able to stay home with my beautiful children! I try to enjoy the time I have with them daily. Teach them things, play with them, and love them just as they are. Growing up all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother. I have just that, but is it wrong for me to want more? More from my self such as a degree, a social life out side of the playground, a hobby I enjoy, or a thinner me? I have struggled with these questions for years. I have heard many answers regarding them as well. Many times when I would hear the answers from others and I would feel so horrible! Like I am an ungrateful mother or a selfish wife. I did not want to be know as that person, I was not going to be ungrateful or selfish. I chose to put my husband first along with my children! I would do all I could do to be the best wife and mother for my family! I made sure their needs were kept and their wants considered. What about my needs or wants? Just saying those words make me cringe because it sounds so selfish. But is it really being selfish if you are taking care of your heart, accomplishing your dreams, or finding your passions? My answer to this question was always yes! Yes it was selfish, yes it was wrong for me to want those things when I have been blessed with such a beautiful family! How could I even consider my wants and needs when I have a family to take care of. Then it hit me, how can I take care of a family if I am not taking care of me?

For years I have allowed my fears, doubts, and others negative judgments to push aside my dreams. In 2003 I planed to move from Arkansas to Missouri to get a degree in the medical field. I knew it was just what I wanted to do after helping a dear friend. She had MS and was living alone. I was asked  to stay with her, to help her with anything she may need. I enjoyed it. I loved getting to know her. I also loved the feeling that I was able help some one. I later let a few people know that I was planning on going to school in the medical filed. Their doubts of me succeeding made me loose my confidence in my self. So I came back to Missouri to be a waitress.  

When Landon was born it was quit obvious something was wrong with his feet. They were curled up and in. We had no idea what caused this. Later on we were informed that he had club feet. Jared and I had maybe heard of this, but knew nothing about it. So I went online to find some information about what I should expect. Their was a lot of the medical information which was great to know. I wanted to know more of what my child was going to have to endure. I then found a few blogs about how to live with club feet. It made me think that I could do something like this such a blogging. I could share my daily struggles about my infant in cast or having to have surgery or how to breast feed your child while they are wearing a bar for twenty hours a day. I thought it was the best idea ever! Something i could be  passionate about. Then I was asked the question...Do you think anyone would really read it? Doubt kicked in immediately! I chose to accept that it was just a silly idea and no one would care to read my thoughts. 

My biggest struggle to date has been my weight. In a previous post I shared how I have struggled with it for most of my life. After I got married I struggled with it even more. My husband was at time vocal about how he would like for me to be "healthy". It hit me pretty hard because I knew he wanted me to be skinny and more attractive. Where we were in our marriage I refused to loose the weight! I knew Jared loved me, but I never felt he loved me just as I was. I was not going to become this thinner me because i didn't believe Jared deserved it. I wanted him to love me for me, not for his idea of how I should be. I chose to stay over weight because of my fears.

I share all these things with you because we all have allowed our fears, our doubts, and insecurity hold us back. We have allowed others to dictate who we should be. Who really needs dreams any ways? Well I know I do! God did not just give me a brain to be wasted, so I have enrolled in school and will be taking summer classes. I might be starting on elementary levels, but I am not going to let that hold me back. I am here blogging my thoughts. People may not care what I have to say, but I am going to continue to write what is laid on my heart. I am on the road to a healthier me! I have joined Slim4Life and I am sure people are thinking "why don't you just eat healthy and exercise?" But I don't care, because I know that I am doing what is best for me! Also, I know my husband loves ME. I am not going to allow my fears and insecurity's hold me back from his love for me. For the first time I am taking care of me and my heart. More importantly, I am doing the things God has called me to do. And it is by Him and only Him that I am able to cast out my fears and doubts. What doubts and fears are holding you back from your dreams?

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:13